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i am such a frustrated, no peace of mind person right now.
my mind is a clutter. i constantly stomp my feet. just a while ago i screamed at my dad. i always scream at my sisters. i always handle everything so roughly. i show up to worship with a gloomy face. i say things i dont mean. i hate it. i hate it.

i am being impatient.
i am waiting for God’s answer right now, just a little something something, and since i havent received it yet, i get mad and i just.

Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

You will find rest for your soul.

(Matthew 11:28-30)

Posted 7 months ago

haha so anyways

my english class were watching ‘bowling columbine’ by michael moore the other day, cuz we’re gonna do a unit on documentaries, and uh, yeah, it’s about like violence in america and how they can access a gun easily there and how people keep some at home for safety reasons and whatever

and im like
as a filipino indonesian canadian
the only weapon i’ma keep at home
is a durian.

like come on. look at that little devil. i can easily knock down a hundred men with that.

*sighs* im just being silly. but anyways, when it comes to safety, we all know who we’re gonna keep as our refuge and our strength right?? well i hope you guys all know anyways… :D

God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change
And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;
Though its waters roar and foam,
Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.
The LORD of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.
(Psalm 46:1-3, 11)

Posted 7 months ago

5 notes

me being silly, personal,

i know what i want
i know what sets a fire in my heart
i know what my soul drives for

BUT EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT ACTUALLY DOING IT,
my stomach goes wild
and i just
sigh
and give up

i am so scared. i admit. i. am. scared. there!!
i’m scared. i’m scared of failing. i’m scared of rejections and criticisms and all that junk. i’m scared of that. i know and i know and i know that God has put something in my heart that i’d spend my entire life doing. i know that. i know it. i know i am destined to do something great and be a someone and bless other people for Daddy’s name and glory, i know that. i believe that. but just thinking, just thinking about taking one tiny step to that goal, i just crumble. i shred to pieces.

i’m like a mouse that runs to my hole cuz i’m too scared to face anything. and this is something i’m discussing with God right now. i need to snap out of this stupid stupid stupid mindset. im never gonna get anywhere with this. i know that.

cuz i definitely dont want to spend my life in a room in the dark moaning about how i cant do anything moaning about how stupid i am moaning about how life sucks moaning and moaning and moaning and hating life and everyone and everything just cuz i was AFRAID just cuz i was fearful of doing something. i dont want that. so fear, get the hell out of me.

(Source: apastiche)

Reblogged 7 months ago from apastiche

4 notes

you know what i hate. what i desperately, utterly HATE.

when my dad sneaks around my room and looks through my stuff like i committed a murder or something and he wants to find evidence. LIKE, SERIOUSLY. is there any privacy left in the world?!? is that what he does all in day when i’m gone to school??

so im reading virgin suicides right now and he’s all like “oh whose reading a book called sucides virgin? and why would you need that junk in your mind?”

IT’S SO FRUSTRATING. its’ frustrating when people assume everything, especially your parents, assuming they know everything about you, and like augh. i just hate it. please, if you dont know something, please do not assume.

personal, asdgkasdkgbaskhnal,

praise the Lord praise the Lord praise the Lord!

you know how i was talking about auditioning for a role in my school’s fall act one plays? kay, well i auditioned, and as i said, it was SCARY. like that was my first audition i’ve ever done in my life, and like all firsts, it’s always scary and a big thing and all that jazz. and when i was in the moment of auditioning, my heart was like thumping like an idiot. i could hear it in my ears.

but obviously, we can do all things through CHRIST WHO STRENGHTHENS US, so he strengthened me to do that through the lovely awesome holy spirit, and yeah i did. and today we got the result, AND GUESS WHO GOT A PART???

YES. this daughter of God.

and it’s like the play that i had an eye for right when i heard about it (it’s about a girl who wants to be an artist but she never could be for some reason so she becomes a prostitute.)

LESSON? like me, i have NEVER, EVER, EVER done like a play infront of an audience or have no experience in theatre and stuff like that, but when you have that burning passion for it, and God is leading you to it, DO IT. yes, it is extremely scary at first, and you feel insecure and all that, but at the end, you’ll never regret doing it. just saying.

4 notes

i’d just like to publically thank the Holy Spirit

for being the bestest buddy ever and helping me overcome something.

so, i’ve always kinda had a thing for drama, but it’s just my like…thinking that gets in the way. ‘oh you dont have any experience so why on earth will they welcome you and accept you.’ ‘they only accept the best. you’re not the best. havent you seen all those other better people than you?’ ‘oh acting? isnt that like an unstable career?’ ‘ohhhh… you wanna act? well, good luck with that. it’s a hard path to go through.’

and it just goes on and on and on and next thing you know, i just dont end up doing it you know. its like what jonathan safran froer said, “I think and think and think, I’ve thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it.” but this year, like i made up my mind that i want to take drama. i ended up that i couldnt take it cuz i didnt take drama 9 or 10. it totally crushed me, the fragile weak person that i am. like right after i found out i teared up cuz i was really, really looking forward in doing it. and all these doubts just went in my head.

BUTTT they have a drama guild here, and auditions are this week, and the holy spirit’s just like ‘ok, ok, go on. try it out.’ and long story short, i ended up signing up, and auditioning (holy fudge the audition was so nervewracking like my heart was gonna exlplode and that was my first audition ever but afterwards it felt so refreshing and yeah), and i feel much better now. like, i actually got that done. idk, what im saying is that the Holy spirit just helped me a lot like he always does.

and what im tryna say is that, there’s no hurt in trying. it’s really cliche, but you really dont know what could happen. like as long as you’ve given it your everything, then even if you’re rejected, then whatever. what else can you give beyond your best, right? so even though i get a part or not, im just glad that i overcame this fear/issue of mine. so thank the Lord for that

2 notes

as i’m thinking about like what i’m gonna do with my life and all that stuff, since im in grade 11 and everyone kinda encourages you to do so, i just get so scared. i have like…a fear inside of me of failing. i really do. like that’s why sometimes i’m so scared of doing big, great things because im scared im gonna fail badly. so i end up sticking with the little itty bitty things im not even called to do.

but it’s life though. and it’s God’s gift to us. and He reassures us over and over again in the Bible that we are overcomers and victors and that we are meant to do great things, so why do we settle for less?

it’s just this week, the Holy Spirit really spoke to me, and said don’t be scared. there’s no need to. i mean, yeah. it is scary just thinking about it and all that stuff. like the part before the actual doing. but when you’ve actually done it, then it’s like ‘hey. it wasn’t that bad.’ the pre is always the worst but its always worth going through to get to the post. im probably not making any sense but yeah.

just always know that you are here to do something great and big for your Father and His kingdom, and to bless your fellow brothers and sisters too. it’s just sometimes our beliefs that we’re meant to do something small and easy and straight to the point and etc etc

let me give you a lesson, children.

before making a decision, (especially if it’s a big one), always, always, always plan beforehand. i am serious you guys. i am not even kidding one little bit. also, always, always, always consult God and ask for guidance from Him. plan. do an overview in advance of what’s going to happen if you do make that decision, and make sure you have back ups. also, do some research as to what you need to have in order to do the things that will lead you to accomplish your goal. (e.g you are planning to move to the usa from canada, and you need to find an apartment to live in. will you be approved if you’re on student visa and have a bad credit past/check, bringing your family with you? NO.)

PLAN PLAN PLAN
and always always consult and talk and discuss and get in the info with God.

i am saying this because i just went through… well, something. as you’ve probably already heard, my family moved from canda to the usa because my dad was called to go to a bible college here in order to fulfill his calling as a pastor. what lack of planning and researching and consulting God did = wasting of money. a heck load of money and energy and sweat. we found out that my parents can’t live here because they’re on student visa and we cant find a place to live in because we cant get approved and there’s just a bunch of things we didnt know because my parents didnt research and they didnt plan. we kinda just rushed. now? well we’re going back to canada and moving to ontario. (we previously lived in british columbia) (which means we have to spend money on transportation + luggages….etc)

so to save yourself mistakes and money and dissapointment, please please please take heed of my advice. i find out that it’s much better to just listen to someone whose already been in ‘that place’ rather than just not listening and going there yourself. i think that’s what people in history are for. so we can learn from them. that’s what people in the bible there are for. so we can learn from them.

2 notes

m, personal, here i am,

oh you guys should hear about my life

—(sunshine coast, vancouver) so i spent my entire summer literally clearing out the first house we ever bought, plus cleaning and clearing everything out, plus having a garage sale, plus all those other things we needed to do cuz we planned to move here, in colorado, so my dad could study at a bible college here

—(colorado, usa) so we finally arrived here in colorado. this entire week, we spent all our time renting a car, researching, calling people, and everything we had to do in order to find an apartment. at the end, we finally found one, but we got rejected, so all those efforts came down to nothing. i thought it was an experience, so i dont consider it a loss cause. and now, my family came to a conclusion that my parents cant find a job here cuz they’re on student visa or something, and we can’t find a place to live in either because my parents’ credit check is bad and we dont have enough funds

—(planning to move back to toronto, canada) since we can’t live here in the usa cuz we cant find a place to live in, and my parents cant work here, they’re planning to go back to canada in toronto so both of them can work there and find a place to live in and there’s a bible college over there too that my dad can study in [cuz his calling in life is to become a pastor] so yeah.

this all happened in one summer.
praise the Lord we’re still all sane. trust me, i’ve been through a lot this summer, especially with my family. that includes having the police come to our house cuz our fight was way too lourd the neighbor complained. idk. i’m just still depending on God for everything. i love life. it’s so good. it’s complicated, yeah. and there’s a lot of complications and challenges, yeah. but with a God like mine, everything will work together for good in the end, and everything is worth something, so, i mean, i count everything as a gift and a lesson learned.

here i am, personal,

before

i used to want my life to be organized, and prepared, and planned, and neat, and tidy and all that jazz. like i wanted to be comforted with a plan or just something. something i can depend my life on. or a foundation of some sort. like if this goes wrong, then there’s this. if not, then that. you know, like always a back-up plan. i always lived by dependance upon things and whatnot.

and right now, i threw all those things away.
i cut the strings of trust and dependance and wishes upon THINGS and PEOPLE like my friends and the people in school and whoever, i cut them all. cuz you know what guys, i always have put my expectations and my hopes upon people. cuz i was raised up that way. society tells me so. media tells me so. “hey guys. you know what a life is? when you have friends and bffs and girlfriends and you go out every weekend to do this and that and you have a boyfriend and you have a great social life and cool things….etc”

but im like what. the. hell.
i’m not basing my life on those. im not shaping or forming my life on that just cuz a majority of people tell me so or live that way so. i am literally giving everything, my everything on God. He has it all for me. everything. i am giving up, stepping down with all this dependance and logicness and whatever, and just letting it all go, and giving it to Him. for He’s the one that brought me here in the first place. He’s my creator. He’s the core of my existence. He’s the one who knows the plans for my life. so who else am i gonna give my life to? no one else but Him.

so uh

we got rejected from the apartment we applied for
and it was perfect. well, to the logic of my mind it was. near to transit so my dad can get to his college, near to my sister’s school bus stop so we can get to school, safe envronment, shops near around…etc

my mom said it’s cuz both of them dont have a job here, plus we don’t have enough funds.
and i was so sure we were gonna get it.

well.
my mom plans to go back all the way to canda and get a job there and rent an apt there while my dad settles his whatevers here.
idk.
this is one of those situations where it’s like “there seems to be no way.” and my flesh is just crying out to put its fists up to God and say “what now huh? what now.” but you know what, screw that. i’m not even gonna give any of those junk a thought.

God is a good God and He’ll never leave His children alone. i know He has a plan. He has a way for us. i know it. i have no doubt about it. screw that what ifs and the omg my life is going downhill. screw those thoughts to hell. if God is for us, nothing, no problems, no obstacles of the devil can be against us and His plan for us. He left us with the Holy Spirit and i know He’ll guide us.

4 notes

here i am, personal,

just like to say hello and i love you to all my old and new followers

sorry i haven’t been on for a bit, and i won’t be for a while since i am just busy and occupied with all this mhmhmgood stuff the Lord is bringing upon us.

will be sharing though
:)

goodnight!

So here’s the thing

my family and i moved from canada to here in colorado in the usa, and you know what that means, right? starting over again from the ashes. well, not really. it just meant, clearing out the first house ever that we bought, cleaning it, fixing it, selling everything in it (it was hectic but very adventerous actually), and it also means checking all the papers and stuff that my parents have to see if we are able to live in the usa, it also means deciding what to do with our personal stuff and what to throw and bring, knowing we can only bring so much. it also means finding a new place to stay here, a car, a school, a job, people…etc. gotta start way from the bottom.

i think today is the 4th day we’ve been here. and the past two have been quite hellish, thanks to my mom again and her making it hard for everyone with her complainings like the friggin israelites in the desert.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT
despite through all the hard stuff we’ve been through- no actually. not hard. challenging- stuff we’ve been through, my attitude has been:

God. You are the one that brought my family here. You’re the one that called my father to study in this Bible college because you have called him to be a pastor. You’re the one that brought us here. So you know what, I am counting on no one and nothing else but You. that’s it. so you know what, i am depending on You for everything. yeah, that’s right. just so You know. and i believe that You will surely lead and guide us through everything.

i speak favor on the apartments, the house, the school, the community, the neighborhood, the job, everything and everything. i speak favor upon it all because i am counting on God and he blesses His children with much and He adds no sorrow to it. i am counting on God and no one and nothing else for a new, new and even better life here.

and i will be filling you guys in on everything Daddy is doing in my life and in my family’s life. as an example of how good and amazing He is. and how wondrous and favor-filled your life can be if you just drop your dependance that you have on things and people and just place it all on Him. it’s what i call an all-or-nothing. it’s either your life is for and with God or nothing. but with the devil, yourself, and rolercoaster people.